Jupiter Ascending: A Review

So yesterday was essentially the weirdest day of my whole life. Bar none.

We'll start with THIS randomness that went down yesterday. Click here! You will not be disappointed! Between that and that "Is the dress blue and black? Gold and white?" Me and Callin are totally #goldandwhite, by the way.

THEN me and W went to see Jupiter Ascending, which was everything I hoped it would be and sooooo much more. So much more. It is just as ridiculous, derived, and poorly-written as everyone says, but oh my gosh. Do yourself a favor and go see this movie. At the very very least, you will be entertained. So many favorite lines from this movie, I can't even. Here's a small synopsis.

This is Jupiter Jones (hence the title...)

PS, my eye shadow is perfect. All the time. 

Jupiter's dad got murdered in Russia by an angry Russian mob trying to take all their money. Jupiter is born on a ship on the way to America. Now fast forward like 20 years. Now Jupiter cleans rich people's toilets for a living. *obligatory pity*

Randomly at a family function, Jupiter's cousin is like "Hey Jupiter, sell your eggs to some scientists and then you'll have money to buy that telescope you want!" So she's like "Sure, whatever. Eggs are worthless. The only thing that matters is perfect eye shadow."

Well, back to cleaning toilets!

Meanwhile, evil Eddie Redmayne is doing this:

"The Earth is mine..." he creepily whispers at least three times. "I want her found, and I want her dead." Not an exact quote, but you get the gist. Oh and also, he has a brother and a sister that also want Jupiter, for no reason at all. And their last name is Abrasax (pronounced al-brass-icks). Cool, no? Bad spelling, cool word. It's fun to say. Abrasax. I have to name something that in the near future.

Back in perfect eye shadow-land, Jupiter is at the egg-harvesting clinic, and then these monsters impersonating as humans are like "kill kill kill" and try to kill her, for Eddie Redmayne reasons. But wait, what's that? It's Channing Tatum, the only reason most people saw this movie.

I have a goatee and tattoos, because I'm BA.

He comes in on these blue-glowing levitating boots, which I'm pretty sure are like roller skates for people from space and is like "Don't worry, Jupiter, I'll save you!"  

"Okay, as long as you help me reapply my eyes shadow." 

"Hop on, spider monkey!" 

And they zoom away to some tower in Chicago, where Channing/Caine (his name in the movie, but no one cares) tells her that she's special and royalty, somehow. She then notices he's bleeding, and gives him a feminine hygiene product to stick on his six-pack. Because a pad will totally work? Especially when  you stick the sticky side on the wound...? This gem of a conversation also happened:

Jupiter: Are those flying boots?

Channing: They harness the force of gravity, redirecting it into differential equation slips so you can surf.

Jupiter: Yeah, I heard "gravity" and "surf". 

While Jupiter attempts to understand basic English, they zoom up to one of Channing's old friends named Stinger that ends up being mad and punching the crap out of Channing. While that's going on, Jupiter discovers that she's special because bees swarm around her.  

"Bees can't lie," Stinger says. "They recognize royalty." 

Are you sure it's not just my perfect eye-shadow?

Then Jupiter gets taken by other alien people that want to take her somewhere for some reason? Anyway, she's gone in space now. In cool ships like this:

She goes to meet Evil Eddie's sister, who makes Jupiter watch her take a bath and then wear a fancy dress. 

"Purple's your color, darling."

Sister then proceeds to tell her that she's the reincarnation of her mother and shows her this creepy statue. 

Which apparently, is enough to convince Jupiter that she's royalty and needs to claim her title. Since Channing is bored, he decides Jupiter needs to be rescued again so he sweeps in with his space roller skates and takes her to the universe's version of the DMV to claim her title. Once she's met with five thousand people and bribed a bunch of them, she gets her official "title" - a special space tattoo that shines in the light. Ooh, pretty. It puts her in the mood to try and have a DTR with Channing, which goes something roughly like this: 

Jupiter: My moral compass always points to Mr. Wrong. *sadness*

Channing: I'm a splice. My DNA is part wolf. 

Jupiter: So?

Channing: Your Majesty, I have more in common with a dog than I have with you.

Jupiter: I love dogs, I've always loved dogs. 

So that doesn't go as well as she hoped.

Somehow, she ends up meeting Evil Eddie's brother, who's like "Marry me! And then we can stop harvesting your planet and stealing all the life out of people and taking baths in them to stay young and hot!" So she's like "Um, okay. Only except pardon my friend Caine, because *insert sad backstory here* and Evil Eddie's bro is like "Okay cool. Put on this dress I got from Effie Trinket back when I visited District 1. Let's get married."

My hair is pretty as roadkill but at least my eye shadow is perfect!

Of course, Channing comes to rescue her, she cries, and then they go back to her family. No one is there because Evil Eddie has taken them and will give them back to her if she renounces her title. So off we go to meet Evil Eddie. Most of his conversations go like this:  

*soft whisper* "Renounce your title..."

*screams* "I HATE YOU, REINCARNATION OF MY MOTHER!!!" 

Jupiter: Bro. I'm not your mom.

Then, lots of explosions and fire and death later (and kissing), Jupiter and Channing go back to Earth, where Jupiter goes back to cleaning toilets happily, and Channing gets wings. I'm serious. Massive feathered wings. And he hugs her with them. The end.

I'm serious, that's how it ends.

Have a good weekend! 

-K