50 Ways to Die in a Rainforest
So I was captioning a show about the Amazon yesterday, and it was extremely informative, as well as slightly terrorizing. I did not realize how many ways there are to die in the rainforest. So I turned what I learned at work today into a choose-your-own-adventure story, just for kicks, instead of studying for my Virology test...
Start
1) You step off the boat onto the shaky dock in Macapa, Brazil. You look around, amazed by all the sights and sounds of this bustling seaside town that sits right on the Amazon River. Already, you can feel the oppressive humidity and intense heat beating down on you, but it has no effect on your spirits. You made it to the Amazon! You're going to discover 600 new types of insects! You're going to find the plant to cure cancer! You'll find a cure to the common cold! (actually, virology has taught me that that is virtually impossible...sorry about that.) You notice a swarm of flies buzzing around you. You:
A. Run away
B. Hang out with the flies
Did you pick A? Good choice. Move to 2. I hope your luck holds.
Did you choose B? If so, you got bit by a sandfly and contracted leishmaniasis. Now you're horridly scarred for life. Whoops. Maybe try not running into the swarm of flies next time. Hopefully someone around you has some paromomycin to clear that nasty lesion up.
2) You meet your guide, Arturo. He is all to happy to get on the canoe and start paddling, which is good. You've already had enough of this overcrowded jetty. Arturo beckons to the rest of your jungle exploration crew, and you're on your way. Just sitting in the canoe while everyone else paddles gets boring after awhile, so you decide to pass the time by:
A. Singing "Toxic" at the top of your lungs (including the "duh duh duhduhduhduhduh duh duhduhduh eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwweeeeeeeeeeooooooooooo" section over and over...and over)
B. Sitting quietly and enjoying the view
Did you pick A? If so, Arturo pulls out his dart gun and blows one right into your back. Unfortunately for you, it's been laced with poison arrow frog extract, so you're pretty much a goner. Maybe next time, you shouldn't annoy the people in charge of making sure you don't die on your perilous journey down the Amazon. Just a thought.
Did you pick B? Nice going. Better to be quiet and awkward than loud and then dead. Move ahead to 3, superstar!
3) It's getting dark out, and Arturo decides it's time to make camp while you can still see. While your crew is scouting for a suitable location in the rainforest, you discover a nice, relatively flat area underneath a big tree. Arturo advises against it, but you like the idea of sleeping on flat ground where you can build a better fire. Do you:
A. Listen to Arturo and look for a different area. He is the expert, after all.
B. Ignore Arturo and start pitching your fancy hammock tent. Flat ground rocks! Plus you don't have to walk through all the nasty bushes. Who knows what's in there.
Did you go with A? Yay! You live! Move on to 4.
Did you pick B? Well, the night starts out okay, but then, just as you're getting comfortable, you hear a loud crashing through the trees. It sounds like it's coming directly at you! Unfortunately, it is. What you're hearing is a Brazil nut tree pod falling from the very top of the tree, and it's coming fast. Weighing in at about 5 pounds and hitting you in the head at about 50 mph, you don't really stand much of a chance. Tough break, buddy.
4) Since you can't sleep, you decide a little midnight walk could be a good idea. Plus, you've heard that the animals can be a lot more active at night, so it would be interesting see. You put on your headlamp and start looking around. You see something moving on a tree nearby, and you go to investigate it...and it's got eight legs, each one about 7 inches or so.
You've discovered the wandering spider! You:
A. Poke it with a short stick
B. Leave it alone and get back in your tent. What are you thinking, wandering around the rainforest at night?
Did you choose A? If so, you've just angered one of the most ferocious spiders in the world. Even a small tap is enough to make it attack, and this one is not happy. It strikes out, and your hand happens to be right in the way. Wandering spider toxin, the world's most potent, will soon cause lack of muscle control, paralysis, and eventual asphyxiation. I hope Arturo has some antivenom...
Did you pick B? Hooray! You're still alive. No more midnight walks for you, though. Move on to 5!
5) Congratulations! You've survived your first night in the jungle! Way to be. You get up early in the morning and decide to walk down to the river and look around while camp's being cleared up. While wandering about, you find yourself down by the river, just looking around. But look! A toucan! (That's one more for Exotic Bird Bingo!)
You wish to see it closer, so you:
A. Walk around on dry ground to see if you can get close enough without it noticing
B. Take a shortcut through some river shallows to save time.
Did you pick A? Good choice. You continue to live pain-free. Onward to 6!
Did you go with B? *tsk tsk* You should know better than to walk through the Amazon without any sort of waders or leg protection like that. The Amazon is infested with candiru, or parasitic catfish. If they see you bumbling around in the water, they will probably swim closer to investigate, and then if they find you to be an acceptable meal, they'll thrust themselves into you, and you can't get them out, thanks to the back-facing spins on the gill covers. The only way out is to cut them out with a knife. Good thing Arturo has his machete with him...
6) While admiring the gorgeous toucan, you hear ominous buzzing sounds emanating from a large tree. Do you:
A. Go closer and investigate
B. Go find Arturo. When are we leaving, anyway?
Did you go with A? No bueno. You've discovered a stingless bee hive, which normally wouldn't be a problem, but these ones are feeling particularly angsty today. They don't like hive intruders, and you look like one for sure. They swarm out and start biting you, since they don't have stings to sting with, and to add to the melee, they start releasing propolis on you, which is a sticky, resinous substance that anchors them to you, so you can't even get them off when they start biting. Ouch. Maybe this expedition was a bad idea.
Did you choose B? Yay! You continue to survive! Against all odds...Proceed to 7.
7) You're coming to realize the rainforest is a dangerous place. Do you:
A. Proceed with your expedition
B. Decide you've seen enough and go home
Did you choose A? You'll probably die somehow later, that's all the scary things the show talked about.
Did you pick B? Wise choice, my friend. Maybe you can find a less dangerous forest to explore.
Happy adventuring,
-K
Start
1) You step off the boat onto the shaky dock in Macapa, Brazil. You look around, amazed by all the sights and sounds of this bustling seaside town that sits right on the Amazon River. Already, you can feel the oppressive humidity and intense heat beating down on you, but it has no effect on your spirits. You made it to the Amazon! You're going to discover 600 new types of insects! You're going to find the plant to cure cancer! You'll find a cure to the common cold! (actually, virology has taught me that that is virtually impossible...sorry about that.) You notice a swarm of flies buzzing around you. You:
A. Run away
B. Hang out with the flies
Did you pick A? Good choice. Move to 2. I hope your luck holds.
Did you choose B? If so, you got bit by a sandfly and contracted leishmaniasis. Now you're horridly scarred for life. Whoops. Maybe try not running into the swarm of flies next time. Hopefully someone around you has some paromomycin to clear that nasty lesion up.
2) You meet your guide, Arturo. He is all to happy to get on the canoe and start paddling, which is good. You've already had enough of this overcrowded jetty. Arturo beckons to the rest of your jungle exploration crew, and you're on your way. Just sitting in the canoe while everyone else paddles gets boring after awhile, so you decide to pass the time by:
A. Singing "Toxic" at the top of your lungs (including the "duh duh duhduhduhduhduh duh duhduhduh eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwweeeeeeeeeeooooooooooo" section over and over...and over)
B. Sitting quietly and enjoying the view
Did you pick A? If so, Arturo pulls out his dart gun and blows one right into your back. Unfortunately for you, it's been laced with poison arrow frog extract, so you're pretty much a goner. Maybe next time, you shouldn't annoy the people in charge of making sure you don't die on your perilous journey down the Amazon. Just a thought.
Did you pick B? Nice going. Better to be quiet and awkward than loud and then dead. Move ahead to 3, superstar!
3) It's getting dark out, and Arturo decides it's time to make camp while you can still see. While your crew is scouting for a suitable location in the rainforest, you discover a nice, relatively flat area underneath a big tree. Arturo advises against it, but you like the idea of sleeping on flat ground where you can build a better fire. Do you:
A. Listen to Arturo and look for a different area. He is the expert, after all.
B. Ignore Arturo and start pitching your fancy hammock tent. Flat ground rocks! Plus you don't have to walk through all the nasty bushes. Who knows what's in there.
 |
| Home sweet home. |
Did you pick B? Well, the night starts out okay, but then, just as you're getting comfortable, you hear a loud crashing through the trees. It sounds like it's coming directly at you! Unfortunately, it is. What you're hearing is a Brazil nut tree pod falling from the very top of the tree, and it's coming fast. Weighing in at about 5 pounds and hitting you in the head at about 50 mph, you don't really stand much of a chance. Tough break, buddy.
4) Since you can't sleep, you decide a little midnight walk could be a good idea. Plus, you've heard that the animals can be a lot more active at night, so it would be interesting see. You put on your headlamp and start looking around. You see something moving on a tree nearby, and you go to investigate it...and it's got eight legs, each one about 7 inches or so.
 |
| Why hello, there. |
A. Poke it with a short stick
B. Leave it alone and get back in your tent. What are you thinking, wandering around the rainforest at night?
Did you choose A? If so, you've just angered one of the most ferocious spiders in the world. Even a small tap is enough to make it attack, and this one is not happy. It strikes out, and your hand happens to be right in the way. Wandering spider toxin, the world's most potent, will soon cause lack of muscle control, paralysis, and eventual asphyxiation. I hope Arturo has some antivenom...
Did you pick B? Hooray! You're still alive. No more midnight walks for you, though. Move on to 5!
5) Congratulations! You've survived your first night in the jungle! Way to be. You get up early in the morning and decide to walk down to the river and look around while camp's being cleared up. While wandering about, you find yourself down by the river, just looking around. But look! A toucan! (That's one more for Exotic Bird Bingo!)
 |
A. Walk around on dry ground to see if you can get close enough without it noticing
B. Take a shortcut through some river shallows to save time.
Did you pick A? Good choice. You continue to live pain-free. Onward to 6!
Did you go with B? *tsk tsk* You should know better than to walk through the Amazon without any sort of waders or leg protection like that. The Amazon is infested with candiru, or parasitic catfish. If they see you bumbling around in the water, they will probably swim closer to investigate, and then if they find you to be an acceptable meal, they'll thrust themselves into you, and you can't get them out, thanks to the back-facing spins on the gill covers. The only way out is to cut them out with a knife. Good thing Arturo has his machete with him...
6) While admiring the gorgeous toucan, you hear ominous buzzing sounds emanating from a large tree. Do you:
A. Go closer and investigate
B. Go find Arturo. When are we leaving, anyway?
Did you go with A? No bueno. You've discovered a stingless bee hive, which normally wouldn't be a problem, but these ones are feeling particularly angsty today. They don't like hive intruders, and you look like one for sure. They swarm out and start biting you, since they don't have stings to sting with, and to add to the melee, they start releasing propolis on you, which is a sticky, resinous substance that anchors them to you, so you can't even get them off when they start biting. Ouch. Maybe this expedition was a bad idea.
Did you choose B? Yay! You continue to survive! Against all odds...Proceed to 7.
7) You're coming to realize the rainforest is a dangerous place. Do you:
A. Proceed with your expedition
B. Decide you've seen enough and go home
Did you choose A? You'll probably die somehow later, that's all the scary things the show talked about.
Did you pick B? Wise choice, my friend. Maybe you can find a less dangerous forest to explore.
 |
| Maybe this is more your style. Just watch out for those kidney-snatchers... |
-K
Comments
Post a Comment